The Joys Of Wonder.....

bread that is. Like my youth and whatever looks I MAY have ever possessed the days of eating good ole white bread and for that matter anything white are gone.

This is for the This and That blog:

Coming off of a very emotionally draining 2 weeks has made me long for the simpler times and what a better place to go then back to my youth. The days when everyone looked good in a bathing suit (at least through the eyes of a child), your age included 1/2's, and for me my biggest worry was whether to swim, ride bikes or play stick ball/kickball. Ah stick ball/kickball that was a game myself and some neighborhood kids "invented." It was a great game we took 2 of our favorite games and combined them. Genius!! Truly genius. We painted the bases in the street..those were the days where you could get a can of spray paint anytime you wanted. Hmm maybe we are the reason it is under lock and key now. Anyway, like I was saying, we painted the bases in the street along with the almighty home run line. Only the best players could knock one over the home run line or my brother and Ricky. Everyone wanted to hit the almighty home run because once you did my brother painted your name behind the home run line and for every one after that he made some kind of mark. I was so determined to get into the H.R. hall of fame, man did I want in. I would be damned if Jimmy and Ricky were going to be the only 2 names in the hall of fame. So finally one day I take my turn at the plate, grasp my fingers around that stick ball bat and Jimmy is on the pitchers mound our eyes met and he gave me his death glare as if to say "you're going down little girl." This may work on the others little fella but not me. When he threw the kickball my very trained eye (thanks to him) watched that ball leave his hand and I followed it until the ball and my bat met. Oh YES!! I sent that ball sailing not only to the H.R. line but well past the line. I'm pretty sure the heavens opened and the angels were singing when I cracked that ball over both Jimmy and Ricky's heads. Seriously, I believe I saw the heavens open up and I heard the angels singing in my honor. I was a good sport though, I ran around those bases like any mature athlete would. OOOK, maybe that isn't entirely how I ran, perhaps I swaggered around the bases and smiled at my brother as I rounded the bases but I did it in the most mature way. Hey have you forgotten the death glare that screamed LITTLE GIRL. That'll show him little girl, on your knees bro and paint my name with honor of knowing you threw the pitch big boy. I'm sure he was proud of me though, deep, deep, deep down I'm telling you he was proud of me after all he was my gym teacher. Anything to do with sports he was there, oh the memories of my loving brother yelling to me throw that ball like a girl one more time and I will beat your ass. Alright then so you say put my fingers across the laces like so and pull my arm back at an angle behind my head with my elbow pointing forward you say. I may not be describing the throw properly on here but trust me when I tell you that boy would have beat my ass and therefore I could throw a spiral better then most boys on the football team. My talents didn't end there either, my loving brother taught me how to play baseball, lacrosse and basketball. I could play well enough to play with the boys without any complaints. He would make them let me play anyway but he didn't want to be embarrassed so I had to play well. No I had to be better then at least some of them. What I found out though when you play with boys you usually wind up fighting with boys and luckily my brother had me well trained in this area too. Let's just say there were a lot of ass kickings before I got the full spiral, dribble and proper way to throw a baseball down. Hitting the ball in baseball was never a problem just looked at his face and aimed. Of course that part is our little secret. Nah he wasn't that bad, although what I wrote is true he did always watch out for me and he did teach me well and he did beat my ass. To this day he brags about me being the second strongest in my entire grade in elementary school second only to a guy that had our same last name so it was cool. I don't hold the same pride with that part of the story as he does but a fact is a fact and now you know my dirty little secret. Had he went to middle school and high school with me I don't think he would be so proud. Short and sweet, I became a wimp. I didn't care though I still had back up when I needed it. And for those I needed it for you know who you are and shame on you.

This little visit back to the days of my youth in the good ole 70's definitely was a needed escape. The only thing that could top this visit would be a pb & j sandwich on wonder bread with a cold glass of milk. The pure joy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wonder bread (peanut butter on the top). It was the perfect chaser to a fun packed morning. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside with the exception of the day that broke my heart. My aunt yells out her back window what do I want for lunch and my response was the same as everyday pb & j peanut butter on the top. I go in when it's ready sit down ready to dig in when to my horror the jelly is on the top. I panic because I'm afraid to tell her that I can't eat this. Thankfully I wear my emotions or at least it was good in this case because she asked, "what's wrong?" I respond with, "well, I don't mean to be rude but I like it with the peanut butter on the top, it has to be like that cause I don't like jelly that much." So you know what this _______ did, she flip my sandwich over. Helloooo let me say this slowly for you. The sandwich has to be made with the peanut butter on the top. This is a jelly sandwich that you flipped. Worst part she outed my mother and told me believe me your mother makes it the same way. Again lady don't want to be rude but obviously you know nothing because if you did we wouldn't even be having this conversation. So later when I was having my nightly phone chat with my mother when I asked her about this, you know what she did. She freaking giggled and said yeah all you have to do is turn the sandwich so the peanut butter is on the top. You know what I can't even finish the story it is way too painful to relive.

Going to my happy place where they only make the sandwich from the start where the peanut butter is on the TOP.

comments

I've been told by many of you that you aren't able to leave comments. I have checked the settings and you should be able to post a comment even if you are not a google member. Not sure what the problem is but if you try to comment and still can't, please let me know again and I will find out what the issue is. Thank you for reading and trying so hard to comment. Funny how you all seem even more determined to post now that I posted the honesty blog. Just saying.

Not ready for prime time player

Acceptance and reality can be bitter pills to swallow my faithful followers. In my case accepting that now is not the time for a column with my name on it. Although I wish it were I do understand that for whatever reason it isn't going to happen today. Still hanging in there for tomorrow though.

Reassurance and love is what keeps us going. Thankfully today I have photography and the peace that comes from deep inside me when I hold my camera. I don't know why or how but just the touch of my camera brings me comfort. Even in my darkest hours being behind that lens somehow makes me feel like all is well. There is nothing like the rush of capturing a moment that just can't be redone; capturing the person that hates being photographed and having them be OK with their picture, possibly for the first time. There is nothing like looking at the world with the eyes that want to reveal something new in what is seen every day. And the separation it allows when in a situation that is just too hard to bear.

I accept that I am not ready to write my own column and may never be, I am reassured at the mere fact that they were interested in an unknown like me and the reality is I will always have photography because deep inside my soul that is my first love. Maybe one day this unknown will have her name in lights or in this case print but until then I am thankful for the peace I find in my hobby and for the family and friends that pose for me endlessly.

Only time will tell what is in store for us my followers, so glad that you chose to take this ride together.

lipstick safetly put in tool belt (SL to LL)

In this pledge for self improvement it occurred to me that lipstick may not possess enough power on it's own. I think I may need more tools than just that. I am not doubting the power of the lipstick (cough, cough) and although I'm sure these women of a certain age definitely have a point. In order to feel good, you must look good. I get it and there is truth in that. When you feel good about a certain outfit, hairstyle whatever you do seem to have more confidence that day or a little skip in your step. See I really did get it. It just isn't enough.

Therefore, I am mulling over what other tools will be needed in order to move forward and what occurred to me this morning was honesty is crucial. Not honesty toward others (although that would be nice) I am referring here to honesty on who we really are. Yes folks that is what I mean, not what we want to believe but the actual what we put out there who we really are. No excuses, no sugar coating the whole enchilada of what and who we are. Scary yes so only enter if you dare hear your ugly truth. (Opens door ever so slightly, peeks head into what appears to be very dark room. Standing here scared out of my mind what ugly truth awaits for me, I ask myself , "Do I dare enter?"

I was listening to someones version on who they are and holy shit, uh NO! This person saw them self as giving, low self esteem, truly self sacrificing. Oh my God, are you serious? Now if this person were to ask me (and all that know this person) how I (or the world at large) view this person, would I tell the truth? The truth, honest to God is that this person is a selfish bitch and very honestly an attention whore. You know the kind good or bad it doesn't matter as long as you are focused on this person. As long as honesty is the focus here then truth be told, this persons truth isn't really important in my growth but my own self truth, however, is. I included this only to give an example of why this tool is essential, not to focus on this person's self image.

How do I see myself in comparison to what other people see? Is it possible to move on without that knowledge? I honestly don't think so. I think we need to know truly how we are perceived by others. Truth hurts, this I know but if it makes me better, if it helps me obtain my goals and dreams isn't it worth hearing? I know in my heart I would have loved to tell this person how everyone I know reads them and it is nothing like they see but I won't. Makes me ask myself why not? OK, this person didn't ask for my opinion so I can take the coward way out and use that but had they, would I and would they really hear me anyway? NOPE to would I and can't say for sure without giving them the benefit of the truth if they would listen but it is doubtful.

I really do want to know what people feel about me but unless it is anonymous nobody is going to tell the truth. Question is how do you get the question out there anonymously? I can say if you read this please drop it in my mailbox, comment on here without leaving your name. Kind of setting myself up there to hear I'm a bitch in public but who the heck is actually reading this anyway? I know this will be the one that everyone reads and decides to comment on, just to let me know that I too am a selfish bitch. Actually if that is the case I really do want to know. Listening to that person really made me wonder, how far off we are from seeing ourselves to what is really there.

I really would like to do a study on this and have people write down how they view themselves and then have people that know them, write down (anonymously) how they see them. I'm not saying that what other people see are entirely accurate either but I would like to see if it is even close.

So this tool for my belt will be much harder then the lipstick as it isn't found in a store. I can ask the few I trust that I believe will tell me the truth and on occasion have; compare it to what I see. That is OK for a start but I need a two way mirror like they use when wanting an opinion on a product; only this will be about how I am perceived by others.

In accordance with my last post regarding a daily thank you note, today's note will be public.

I am grateful that I am open to hearing what people have to say in such an open forum as this. I am thankful that I am willing to change what needs to be changed and I am thankful for those that choose to partake in helping me with my growth. Go easy people, I'm open to it but still human and breathing so don't go for the jugular. ;)

isn't this a pretty font color for my thank you note, only a loving, kind, generous, self sacrificing person would think to use such a pretty font, NO? Haha...awaiting the truth.

This and That

Announcing my 4th follower..hollar!! Let's get it started in here, let's get it started in har! Thank you Linda for signing on. Feel free to chime in any time. I would warn you that I tend to go off course, A LOT, but you have been the benefactor of many a conversation with me and already know that. Wait what was my point, hahaha. I like to call them my Edith Bunker moments.

I was truly hoping to have a blog that was interactive and that we could help one another reach some goals. I know it's corny but hey once you reach a certain stage in life (not an age a stage) we tend to accept what is; instead what can truly be. I was hoping that this would be a safety zone for everyone to openly announce said wishes and not only receive the peace that comes with setting the dream free but the real dream was that someone here would read it and know of a way to make that possible and so on. I guess you could say a pay it forward kind of thing. Although I have received some very positive feedback I have received only one comment (yay Amy and thank you btw what you said was beautiful). I know blogs are really just the writers voice and not necessarily a conversation but that was my intent.

Not ready to let that go but also facing the fact that I am in the room alone I've decided to break my blog into two parts. Kind of like a fork in the road. One direction will be the sideliners to lifeliners as I am truly trying to improve myself and the other will be called this and that. Basically that will just be my rambles about nonsense and whatever happens to be on my mind. I know very dangerous. Of course everyone is welcome to leave a comment on either but this way when I'm partying alone in my blog room it won't seem so odd. Although I do like to hear myself ramble I'm still not sure about these blogs. I feel like what is the point? Who the hell are we actually talking to and what are you supposed to talk about? I feel like it was created by someone with a major me complex or someone that just wants to chat but not necessarily hear what anyone wants to say. Or is it suppose to be like an open diary? Either way not sure I get it but sticking with the advice of my co-worker I keep writing.

Tonight I am going to lean more to the Sideliners to Lifeliners theme. During work today I was reading a book (yes that is what I do at work, read books, write and basically anything that makes the time move along). Anyway, I only read the first chapter but I have to say it really hit home with me. It was about 2 sisters that were forced to live in a Nazi camp because they were caught trying to help some Jewish people. Anyway, they had decided everyday that they would would say what they are thankful for. Somehow they were able to smuggle in their Bible and one morning Betsie, one of the sisters, read the Bible a verse in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 that said, "Give thanks in all circumstances." Everyday these sisters followed what they read and gave thanks. As it became harder to find things that they were thankful for Betsie began to give thanks for the fleas that were truly eating their bodies. Her sister was appalled by this and yelled at her, "how can you say thank you for the fleas?" Her response was simply God said, "in all circumstances". This is the very short story of their life there but I believe it says it all.

Needless to say, this touched me and touched me deeply. Within the last two days I had received some news that shook me. One about a friend and one about a young boys passing that is only 21 years old. As of this writing I am unable to give thanks for these circumstances but after that reading I needed to find something to give thanks for and I will before nights end.

The only way to move forward is to remain hopeful and as positive as you possibly can in all circumstances. So my fellow Sideliners and hopefully my inspirational Lifeliners here is my thought. Every morning start the day with a thank you note. Find as many things as you can to say thank you for. If you don't believe in God or you are struggling so deeply right now and are not speaking with God, write the note to yourself or someone that you are including in your thanks. You don't actually have to give it the thank you note to anyone it is in the writing of it that is important. This is not a new concept or even my own. Just one that I believe is necessary in order to improve oneself or even to really know true happiness. If you think about it there is some truth in that. Think about how you feel at the first sign of spring. Doesn't a good feeling come over you and you automatically feel more motivated. There is something about the windows being opened and the clear air coming in that makes you want have things in order, go out and walk, play with the kids whatever. How do you feel when someone does a kind gesture for you without reason? The thank you note to whoever is just that a kind gesture only to yourself. The positive mood and joy it will bring knowing that you have something to be thankful for will help start your day in a more empowering way. When you feel joy you don't want to sit still you want either share it, go out, whatever. It truly is empowering and that is the very thing you need to make a fantasy a reality. You need to empower yourself and believe that you are worth the time.

What Betsie and her sister didn't know at the time was the reason she was able to smuggle the Bible and spend all that time there without it being discovered. You see the soldiers routinely searched everyone's very crowded rooms but their room was never not once searched. Reason being was the fleas. The soldiers didn't want to go into the room because it was so over taken with the fleas they didn't want to get any on them. God sent the fleas to protect these girls.

I don't know why their any sick children, I don't know why my friend died of cancer ever let alone so damn young leaving behind young children and family that loves her, and I don't know why my brother had to pass as well. These deaths left and life long outstanding size hole in my heart. I don't know why any child has to face death at such young ages as so many do. I don't know why my two friends have to watch their beautiful babies be sick day in and day out and I don't know why my friend must endure more suffering. And I don't know why my son's friend had to loose his brother to an accident that now leaves his cousin struggling for his life as I write. This week also brought news that my mother's friend will pass any moment and my aunt was rushed into surgery. Although to most of us, especially knowing of this young mans passing it is a death in due time, I feel his wife of 50 years may disagree. I don't know why others, although I wouldn't wish any of this on them, go through life with what seems to the outside pretty much struggle free. I can go and on about things I don't understand, won't understand and will never find the thank you in those circumstances. I will however, try to write my thank you note every day for the blessing that I do have and I sincerely hope you the reader will do the same. My wish for you the reader is that God (yes I still believe) grants you with much to write in your thank you note.

One last thought to leave you with; some are from me some were spoken to me:

Tears were created to teach us compassion.

Fear was created to teach us security

Hate was created to teach us love

Enemies were created to teach us friendship

Sickness was created to show appreciation for health and to gift us the emotion of concern and care for others as well as the power of touch.

It was all created so that we will know the peace, joy and euphoria of heaven. I don't know that I can truly embrace all the sentiments written above tonight but I truly hope that those I love that are suffering tonight whether it be from illness, loss, loneliness or whatever sadness they are feeling are also being given the love, peace, friendship and hopefully very soon the healing. For those that have passed too soon as well as in proper time are embracing euphoric that has been promised in heaven. May you all rest in peace and know that until everyone is together wherever you are, my world heaven but for those who may not believe wherever you feel your loved ones are; here back on earth you are missed greatly.

Sideliners we never know what is around the corner, all you know for sure is right now so lets please help one another make right now as euphoric as can be down here. When you see a tear wipe it, when you know there is loneliness make time and where you know there is a dream help embrace it, don't laugh at it help make it happen.