I took some time off not only from writing on here but honestly from life as well. I haven't given up wanting more and striving for more, however, the month of May has become a bitter pill to swallow for me. It is so hard to explain what that month does to me or the feelings that flow inside my skin. I really wish I could because I think that would make things so much easier not only on myself but those around me as well.
Expiration dates, they are on everything from the food we eat to our emotions. Like the dates on the food the dates for our emotions usually aren't chosen by ourselves either. How long does it take to mend a broken heart, miss the old neighborhood or get "over" someone you love that passed on? It seems the first question someone asks about a loved ones loss is how long ago was it? Like you are only allowed to feel if it was recently. How many times have you heard someone say or have you, yourself said, they need to "get over it"? Yes, I do feel you have to move forward and live your life or learn to live your new life without the benefit of this person or these people missing from your everyday. Somehow that just seems to take care of itself but the missing them, the going to pick up the phone because only they will understand how you feel, only to remember you cannot, doesn't seem to ever go away. I have managed to learn to live at times solely from denial while other times knowing full well the reality but still enjoying what or who is in front of me.
The question is; what is the expiration date on mourning? How long does it take to be able to think of these people and not truly not feel your throat close and your eyes start to burn? How long before your insides no longer feel like when you go over that hill in the country? No, it is not like that every day (anymore) but with that brings on its own set of guilt as does those genuine laughs, genuine excitement of what you are doing. Realizing it is alright to have a good time or to realize as Bruce says, "it's not a sin to be glad your alive."
Then May hits and I'm not glad to be alive, I'm not happy to be the only one left from my May trio. I'm not only not happy but it hurts like hell. I feel like my heart is actually going to explode from the burning. I don't not like being able to openly feel this way because the expiration of understanding has passed. I am not one to openly speak about my feelings anyway, actually I am usually one of the most private people you will come across. Then came the blog, haha, and now I am openly writing about things that I never, ever discuss. I guess all we can do is hold on, appreciate what and who is still here and love hard. I was afraid to get close after my trio was gone, in fact I pushed away many that tried. You know it's easier that way because then you will never feel this kind of pain again. Seemed like a pretty damn great plan to me, never going to feel this shit again.
Then my husband would grab my hand at just the right second without a word being said, and I knew I was safe, one of my kids would just look at me with the innocence that can only come from a child's eye, or give me a kiss on the forehead, the kind that is usually in reverse, one of my children of the heart would allow my love or trust in their life and I knew for sure that even if it wouldn't get easier, I would learn to live without two parts of my trio. There will never be an expiration on my grief and I will never get "over" it. I may never even be able to handle the month of May again, but I'm learning every day through my children (the ones that I gave birth to and the ones that are mine of heart) and my husband and many friends that loved me through it all that tomorrow comes and you smile, you laugh and you live.
Yes, we have all been here and will be here again but we will make it as will those that love us when we are the ones that are being mourned. If we did it right, then there will be a full circle of mourners smiling and remembering what we brought to their lives and we would have taught them and taught them well how to first and foremost love and to love fully, honestly and with entire heart, how to feel compassion, how to feel joy, how to feel and deal with sorrow, how to honor, how to be kind and hopefully how to live, how find their gifts and talents and use them in a positive manner but through it all LIVE, LOVE and yes even LAUGH.
thanks to all that have taught me my life lessons, especially Cackle. You have given me so much from a small child, a baby actually, until well into our adult life. Mainly you gave me the gift of always being time worthy. A gift that will always mean so very much to me. Being worthy of ones time no matter what is going on; knowing that you always picked up the phone, always made time to see me is priceless, you know the other gifts you gave you me as I know of the ones you felt I gifted you. Binch the vision of me through your eyes will always be unlike any others, the unconditional love extended to me will be with me always. Your gift of unconditional love helped make me the mother I am today. You were my first loves, my first life lessons and yes my first true heart break. I thank you both for helping making me. Rest in peace
Expiration dates, they are on everything from the food we eat to our emotions. Like the dates on the food the dates for our emotions usually aren't chosen by ourselves either. How long does it take to mend a broken heart, miss the old neighborhood or get "over" someone you love that passed on? It seems the first question someone asks about a loved ones loss is how long ago was it? Like you are only allowed to feel if it was recently. How many times have you heard someone say or have you, yourself said, they need to "get over it"? Yes, I do feel you have to move forward and live your life or learn to live your new life without the benefit of this person or these people missing from your everyday. Somehow that just seems to take care of itself but the missing them, the going to pick up the phone because only they will understand how you feel, only to remember you cannot, doesn't seem to ever go away. I have managed to learn to live at times solely from denial while other times knowing full well the reality but still enjoying what or who is in front of me.
The question is; what is the expiration date on mourning? How long does it take to be able to think of these people and not truly not feel your throat close and your eyes start to burn? How long before your insides no longer feel like when you go over that hill in the country? No, it is not like that every day (anymore) but with that brings on its own set of guilt as does those genuine laughs, genuine excitement of what you are doing. Realizing it is alright to have a good time or to realize as Bruce says, "it's not a sin to be glad your alive."
Then May hits and I'm not glad to be alive, I'm not happy to be the only one left from my May trio. I'm not only not happy but it hurts like hell. I feel like my heart is actually going to explode from the burning. I don't not like being able to openly feel this way because the expiration of understanding has passed. I am not one to openly speak about my feelings anyway, actually I am usually one of the most private people you will come across. Then came the blog, haha, and now I am openly writing about things that I never, ever discuss. I guess all we can do is hold on, appreciate what and who is still here and love hard. I was afraid to get close after my trio was gone, in fact I pushed away many that tried. You know it's easier that way because then you will never feel this kind of pain again. Seemed like a pretty damn great plan to me, never going to feel this shit again.
Then my husband would grab my hand at just the right second without a word being said, and I knew I was safe, one of my kids would just look at me with the innocence that can only come from a child's eye, or give me a kiss on the forehead, the kind that is usually in reverse, one of my children of the heart would allow my love or trust in their life and I knew for sure that even if it wouldn't get easier, I would learn to live without two parts of my trio. There will never be an expiration on my grief and I will never get "over" it. I may never even be able to handle the month of May again, but I'm learning every day through my children (the ones that I gave birth to and the ones that are mine of heart) and my husband and many friends that loved me through it all that tomorrow comes and you smile, you laugh and you live.
Yes, we have all been here and will be here again but we will make it as will those that love us when we are the ones that are being mourned. If we did it right, then there will be a full circle of mourners smiling and remembering what we brought to their lives and we would have taught them and taught them well how to first and foremost love and to love fully, honestly and with entire heart, how to feel compassion, how to feel joy, how to feel and deal with sorrow, how to honor, how to be kind and hopefully how to live, how find their gifts and talents and use them in a positive manner but through it all LIVE, LOVE and yes even LAUGH.
thanks to all that have taught me my life lessons, especially Cackle. You have given me so much from a small child, a baby actually, until well into our adult life. Mainly you gave me the gift of always being time worthy. A gift that will always mean so very much to me. Being worthy of ones time no matter what is going on; knowing that you always picked up the phone, always made time to see me is priceless, you know the other gifts you gave you me as I know of the ones you felt I gifted you. Binch the vision of me through your eyes will always be unlike any others, the unconditional love extended to me will be with me always. Your gift of unconditional love helped make me the mother I am today. You were my first loves, my first life lessons and yes my first true heart break. I thank you both for helping making me. Rest in peace
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